What's it like being the ‘happiest’ person in the room?

Growing up, every teacher always called me the class clown or the one who lights up the classroom. I don’t think much has changed in that department if we’re being honest. I would still go out of my way to make people laugh or smile.

I never questioned myself though. Never a ‘why do I want to make everyone happy? Or why does everyone need to be happy?’

In the past few years, I tried to reflect a lot on how I was as a child. More importantly, I tried to understand why I was that way.

The thing is, I never wanted anyone to feel the way I felt.

I never wanted people to be lonely.

I never wanted anyone to feel like they didn’t deserve happiness.

I never wanted anyone to feel the way I did.

It hurts to think about this now, it was never an easy process - always being the one who is smiling while crumbling inside.

I still do it sometimes, just to avoid the occasional “what’s wrong?”

The truth is, nothing is wrong.

I am just not okay.

I got tired of always being the happy one so I decided to just be. I experienced the purest form of my emotions. It was painful. I was constantly hurting. I never thought there would be an end to this pain - I felt like I had hit rock bottom.

I was definitely wrong about that.

But I did hit rock bottom a few months after that. There was nothing lower than that.

I had adapted to a very negative outlook at this point, making an effort to be happy just didn’t make sense anymore. It felt like the world was working against me. I held onto the tiniest of things that made me feel alive. There were some fleeting moments when I felt like I would be okay. But those moments were clouded by the agony of not wanting to be alive.

I attempted to fight my depression when I could not understand it. But my response to it changed when I learnt what I was feeling. The more I understood it, it became a little easier to navigate. Don’t get me wrong, it was in no way easy to handle - but I kind of got the hang of it.

Instead of trying to do a thousand things and keep myself completely distracted from my feelings, I started to leap into it. I leapt into that darkness where I felt completely alone with my feelings, my irrational thoughts, my fears, my anxieties, and my darkest moments. I started focusing on understanding them in order to move on.

The more I pushed my anxieties away, the worse it got. It didn’t make sense to do that anymore. And honestly, I was no longer scared. I was not scared of myself anymore. I knew I was capable of fighting but more importantly, I was capable of showing myself that empathy that I show everyone else.

The thing with depression is it comes and goes - when you least expect it and when you most expect it. Confused? Yea, me too. You never know when it can start creeping in and before you realize it's here it has already taken over. It becomes too late to do anything to ‘stop’ it. The only option at this point seems like just sticking with it.

I don’t always accept it, which is why I delay the inevitable.

What I’m trying to say is, even the happiest of people can experience pain and sadness. Don’t take things at face value. A lot of people generally ‘prefer’ your happy side but your depression is something you should not hide. Focus on feeling all your emotions rather than focusing on things you think others want you to feel.

To the people who get uncomfortable when your family or friends aren’t ‘themselves’ try to question that instead of telling them to ‘be normal.’ What has changed with them and how can you be more supportive?

Let's be comfortable being uncomfortable.